Aspi, Hari Putra and the Dark Lord's!
"Saaar," said Aspi with his customary drawl." Hari Putra saved us, no, Saar in the first Test against the Goras (the White Man?
"Hollering Hogwartz, who the hell is that cartoon character," I asked imagining Sunny Deol in a new avatar, ready to overpower the British army with his bulging muscles and roaring voice of Punjab da Puttar.
"Saar, that fellow who practices fantastic stuff with such a small bat like a gilli-danda (stick) Saar. Pure magic, Saar," as he drove past a billboard advertising a biscuit brand.
"What a cheap copy-cat," I muttered in disgust at Apsi's cheeky manners reminiscent of a film-maker called Ram Gopal Verma. No originality whatsoever.
"No, Aspi," I said as Aspi drove merrily on, unmindful of a dog chasing a compatriot across the road followed by his mistress who was virtually flying horizontal, but still clinging onto the leash.
The car braked so suddenly, the car manufacturer may have well assumed we were testing his airbags.
"Aspi!" ----I shouted, recovering from the dramatic jolt, both the dogs now barking incessantly outside my door. "You are talking of Harry Potter."
"Saar, I heard, from BCCI sources that this chap Hari Poddar or whatever was the one who requested the dark Lord to save India, Saar. So the dark clouds came and it rained like owls and broomsticks, Saar."
"Really" I asked instigating him to continue with his inane assessment, which would have even confused JK Rowling. The two dogs were still barking ferociously, and I thought one of them was also trying to open my door handle.
"That's why Saar -- Sachin Tendulkar, who was Rahul Dravid's Chosen One, was sent to thank Hari. Then Hari also extracted his pound of flesh, Saar. He asked him for an autograph, Saar. But Sachin is smart, Saar. He signed as Greg Chappell, Saar, and fooled Hari. Clever, Sachin, no, Saar? Some sponsor issues. Nothing is impossible, for Sachin."
"But Hari was equally smart, Saar. He pulled out that small bat, and pointing it out at Sachin said----Stupidify"
"Sachin stood frozen, sporting a grin, which kissed both his ears, and showed that he was ready for a toothpaste endorsement deal, his eyeballs rotating like the London eye. So funny!"
And Aspi laughed like there was no day after tomorrow.
"But as the charm wore off, Saar, Sachin tried to pull his bat out too to retaliate but he could not, because it was too heavy, Saar. He was scared of hurting his elbow."
"So Sachin smiled and said-------Harry, kai kartos? (What are you doing, Harry? I am a wiz, you are a wiz, peace, yaar! And thanks for saving the Test match."
"Harry relented, Saar, but he was angry. Sachin's scar, not visible to the naked eye, began to burn."
The two dogs were joined by a chorus of three more, and they were barking with such synchronicity you could have mistaken them to have been trained in AR Rahman's orchestra. But Aspi rolled on with his narrative.
"Harry, said to Sachin, Saar, why you failed again in the second innings all the time?"
"Sachin said------I think it is the curse of the Dark Lord, Harry"
Harry nodded, empathising with his predicament, understanding Sachin's Deadly Hollow curse.
"Harry, I will sign as many autographs you want, but will you help me with the second innings curse?" asked Sachin.
Aspi was so involved in telling this story that he had not witnessed that three cops, two activists from the SPCA and four more dogs from the neighbourhood were walking towards us menacingly.
"Saar, Harry pondered, and then with a magical twinkle in his eye said-----Abra Cadabra!
"Sachin almost jumped out of his Mr A Das shoes, Saar."
Harry told Sachin; I don't know why I never thought of this before. I will give you my Invisibility Cloak, Sachin. Now when you are batting no one can see you but you can see everyone. Brilliant, isn't it?
Sachin said, "Fantastic! You are truly a boy wonder." And gave him some shrikhand paste. They shook hands, and Harry Disapparated, and Sachin Disappeared.
Sachin hid the invisible cloak, and hurried to Rahul Dravid who was anxiously awaiting his return.
"Where have you been, Sach?" said Dravid, looking nervously around, hoping no press guy was eavesdropping.
"Rahul, now see the fun," he said, stroking his light stubble on his cherubic cheeks.
Rahul, curious and mystified, said, "Really?"
"Rahul," said Sachin with a mischievous grin, his hands gently caressing the concealed cloak, "The next time you win the toss, we will bat the second innings first. I will play an innings the kind you will never have seen before. Or will ever see again. If you see it at all."
Rahul was stunned beyond disbelief, and felt a burning sensation in his right temple.
At the time of writing, Aspi was telling the cops and the SPCA officials the same story, and the dogs, now a virtual army, were all barking away at my door.