BHAJJI FRY AND RED CHILLIES
"Saar, can I have the car keys, please"?
I looked at the peculiar-looking object in front of me with more than mild astonishment . He looked like a cross between a Harry Potter creature and a sea-animal from the Pirates of the Caribbean.
"Gosh, it's you Aspi? What have you done to yourself?
Aspi's regular grey hair was gelled black with a Brylcream like finish, a few strands poking with contemptuous disdain skywards in a spike-cone shape, which would have given even MS Dhoni an inferiority complex. His otherwise wrinkled countenance had a fair and lovely texture, the pink hue was discernible. He was wearing what looked like baggy cargo pants, hanging perilously near his hips, revealing an underwear brand name on the visible elastic band. He wore tight vests, and even if he was not yet ready for Dard-e-disco, he was suitably packing a punch. After Johnny Lever I have never seen anything more obtuse.
"Asp, why this transformational make-up, Asp? Are you joining Bollywood as a villain's sidekick with non-heterosexual tendencies ?" , I joked cheekily.
"Saar? Just last year----------," he suddenly stopped, gaping awe-struck at the fashion calendar featuring a bikini clad damsel suffering from acute hydrophobia.
"Aspi? I said. "Please CARRFY ON!"
He recovered his composure with the rapid reflex of the forgotten Mohammed Kaif.
"Saar, but just exactly one year ago, our Indian team was publicly humiliated by BCCI for losing the World Cup , and becoming de-focused and " money-minded". In fact, they even threatened to limit commercial endorsements. Worse, they even promised salary cuts. Now suddenly they are giving big bucks, auctioning players to the highest bidder, throwing all prudent norms to the wind like Ishant Sharma' s hair blowing in the breeze".
"But Aspi, that's BCCI. It's modeled behind the famous rogue bank of a similar name that vanished in the early 1990s, I think. You will even remember that they almost went to court against ICC because they were dead against T 20 cricket".
"But anyways, Aspi, why this brand new-look?"
"Saar, why you joking, making fun of me? I was told by my wife that I should do something drastic, Saar. Look young.. Youth, saar. They are now becoming a big threat. Every where I go, I see youth Saar. I don't want to lose my job, like Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid."
"And VVSLLaxman. And soon enough Virendra Sehwag",I added. .
"Saar, look at Rohit Sharma, Saar. Some time ago he was on Baby Farex, and two-three knocks, and they are saying he is the next Sachin Tendulkar. 5 match experience and million dollars for him, Saar!"
"That's because he is from Mumbai. Had he been from Bangalore, they would have called him the next Rahul Dravid. Had he originated from Kolkota they would have branded him as the right handed Sourav."
"But Saar, so much money, saar, in the Indian Paisa League, Saar, introduced by the Gujarat Chief Minister."
"No Asp, it is not Narendra Modi, it is Lalit Modi. Both of them are on some " development" crusade, whatever that means."
"But Saar, he is the new Duke of Indian cricket , some big-time money czar of India, who may even do an IPO or BPO of BCCI. He says IPL will make everyone rich and famous. It's a new strategy for reviving Indian cricket."
"Sure. As you can see there are several rich and famous football players playing the English Premier League , but when is the last time England won the World Cup, Aspi?"
"Saar, is it true that when MS Dhoni was asked about apun ka Farookh Engineer , India's most famous sideburns of the 1970s wicket keeper, he said, Who Engineer?"
"You can't blame him, Asp. MSD was flummoxed at that question. He in fact wondered how is he expected to know who is the famous engineer trying to make the Andheri-Versova metro link? ."
"Aah! And Saar, Yuvraj Singh said he is not Page 3. Because he doesn't even read Page 1. He is also planning to take part in some Paanchvi Pass episode as a celebrity guest, it seems."
"That's because he wears glares at night, it is the new owl-syndrome that has gripped late-night party goers. Prevents cataract, I believe. But you can't read like that"
"Is it true that Andrew Symonds has been watching a movie called Bhajji Fry prior to IPL for mental conditioning ?" Aspi asked, his face a mask of docile innocence. .
"It is Bheja Fry, Aspi. Same difference, actually".
"Saar, when Bhajji bowls to Symonds in Hyderabad, Saar, who will the local biryani lovers support, Saar?" .
"I guess the biryani , of course". .
"But this Modi chap is hinting at 25 matches that India will play next year in neutral venues to promote international cricket".
"That is part of not just globalising cricket. But also a UN Peace Mission initiative for one world etc , I think. Harbhajan Singh and Symonds are going to be joint brand ambassadors".
There was a momentary silence. I sensed that Aspi was fumbling uncomfortably with his slipping trousers.
"Saar, I have received an offer from IPL, Saar".
"What ?" I was stunned. "Are they creating a chauffer pool for high profile hospitality clientele?" .
"No Saar, not as a driver, Saar".
And then he blushed.
I had seen him drive over boulders, sleep-drive, take the wrong turn, and get overtaken by cyclists; but I had never seen him blush.
"I have been selected Saar, for auction".
I remained motionless, imagining Aspi being hoisted on the servers of Ebay.
"Auction, Saar", he repeated , his cheeks flushed like a crimson tide.
"What auction, Aspi?". This seemed like the ultimate breaking news item, as I quickly opened my laptop.
"Saar? Can't say". His cheeks had turned so red, I feared a Heinz tomato production guy would pluck them out if they saw it.
I waited with baited breath. Aspi and an auction. My own driver of several years was at last going to share spotlight with Sachin Tendulkar. Whew! What a dream story.
"I am being auctioned Saar to the highest bidder".
"I know ,. I know". I said, now getting terribly impatient. "But in what category?"
"Streaker, Saar. Streaker!"
I stood there aghast, staring at his poker-face, full of pregnant expectations.
"Streaker"?
"Saar, I believe it is part of the advertising model insisted upon by the franchise owners. Modi wants to maximize returns, and we are being given out on a wet lease , earning a fixed cum variable package , depending upon TV viewer -ship ratings".
It sounded so bizarre , this bazaar, I was quite dumbfounded.
"And all teams are allowed two streakers per innings like a Powerplay , and they can choose their spots for advertising."
I was too stunned to even notice that Aspi had begun to sound like David Ogilvy himself.
"And which teams are you really excited about Aspi?".
"The highest bidder, Saar, after all, it is the survival of the fittest. That's the naked truth".
"Sure".
"But there are two teams I don't want to be part of", he said, with a hint of perceptible apprehension. .
Which ones, Asp?
"Hyderabad, Saar. Symonds is a big bully!".
"And the other?".
"Red chilies, saar! For obvious reasons!
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