How to poach a coach: BCC Ishtyle!

I have always believed that BCCI is so thick-skinned that an African rhinoceros will blush scarlet in it's presence. But one can underestimate it's impenetrable texture at one's own risk. Just as we were happily celebrating India's convincing defeat of Pakistan in the first Test at Feroze Shah Kotla, comes the sudden news that in a surreptitious midnight operation, former South African opener Gary Kirsten has almost secured that elusive post of India's national cricket coach. Considering Mr Kirsten was deftly smuggled in with planned subterfuge by the BCCI bigwigs even as Delhi's streets assumed a dark wintry complexion, it is just possible that illustrious members of the august body may have obtained paramilitary training in covert operations by CIA. Move out, Jason Bourne, it is now time for the Niranjan Shah Ultimatum.

The way BCCI works will make even our own Mayawati's pugilistic juggernaut seem like a Harvard Business School alumni get-together. It seems the respected President, BCCI thought that the only way to somehow thrash ICL in the publicity stakes ( it is starting within the next few days) was to bring up that old-joke recycled with the usual suspenseful halo; which valiant character will now be thrust ahead as the new Indian coach?

The President summarily decided that " India should have a coach within 10 days"(there is this pathological paranoia about Australia all around). Naturally, given the slavish mentality that persists within it's glittering corridors, the wise men congregated pronto and confabulated endlessly, before endorsing Kirsten's name. It seems it was such a claustrophobic hush-hush secret that the selection panel was told they were going for a private screening of a yet-to-be filmed movie being directed by Aamir Khan. Anyway, I am surprised they never thought of Abdul Qadir, John Snow or Alvin Kallicharan as suitable candidates either. Even Shah Rukh Khan for that matter, excepting that maybe his bushy ponytail was a bit of a hairy obstruction, perhaps. At least for the poker-faced man called some Shetty.

But it is about time to raise some pertinent questions about the preposterous way in which the entire episode (scripted like a Pink Panther series) has been managed by BCCI.

1)Can BCCI tell us as to why NONE of the 20 applicants who responded to their advertisement was deemed fit to be EVEN called for an interview?

2)How can Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri recommend their "personal preference" violating procedure when Mr Gary Kirsten has technically disqualified himself by not submitting his application within prescribed time limits to begin with? Is this the transparency, accountability and honesty with which the BCCI takes the entire Indian cricketing machinery for a Disney roller-coaster ride? Autocratic, authoritarian and atrocious. That's BCCI for you.

3)Isn't it a strange coincidence that Mr Kirsten's first public confirmation of his interest in the new task should be leaked on a cricket website which is owned by the same blokes ESPN of which Gavaskar and Shastri are perennial crooners or commentators? Aren't vested interests at play already ; isn't there a conflict of interest fairly evident?

4)Like his famous failed foreign predecessor Greg Chappell, what exactly are Mr Kirsten's coaching credentials, if any, at all ? That a good cricketer does not necessarily make an equally sound coach has been effectively archived in a landmark case study by a grumpy Aussie with a bruised finger.

5)Hasn't India done remarkably well under the current three-tiered coach system comprising of Lalchand Rajput-Venkatesh Prasad -Robin Singh to not unnecessarily destabilize a successful combination? Has there been a single instance of malicious gossip and finger-wagging from either of the three coaches? Has anyone leaked their personal e-mails to intimate pals in the Fourth Estate?

6)So if Mr Kirsten does not finally reject the coveted offer (the possibility lurks suspiciously even as I write) what happens to Venky and Robin? Are they going to be disbanded forthwith into oblivion land?

7)Was it fair to create this mini-circus during the ongoing Pakistan series when coach Rajput still has an unfinished task ahead of him? The Kolkata Test begins on Friday. Why was the so-called selection process not done without proper planning?

8)Were Anil Kumble and the other senior palyers consulted or was the choice simply forced on them?

9)Isn't it strange that a country like India which dictates commercial terms and financial clout to ICC and also navigates the virtual future of the game worldwide , should go down on it's knees like genuflecting wimps and literally beg, cajole, and whimper pleading acceptance of their generous offer to Mr Kirsten? . Mr Kirsten's reply;" I have been invited to be the coach. I did not apply for it blah blah blah-----" reminds me of a certain man in desert land with a major I -Me-Myself attitude. Is this the respect the BCCI has for retired Indian cricketers, especially when so many of them have evinced interest in explicit terms from several public platforms ?

10)Should Kirsten accept the offer, is the BCCI giving enough time to Anil and his boys to get the chemistry going, create an atmosphere of open communication, establish ground rules , and get the coaching systems in place? Won't it be downright atrocious if Kirsten joins the Indian team half-way through the Aussie tour as he still has " contractual obligations" to fulfill ?

Kirsten may have become the Midnight Cowboy hero overnight , but it will tough being in the saddle long if he gets self-obsessed with his own diabolical demons like some Gurus of the past. May not be a bad idea to get hold of The Dummy's Guide to How To Be A Coach.