Ponytail, Padukone And The Professor

Reportedly, Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan's celebrated ponytail snaked furtively, in creepy locomotion on the clean shaven cheeks of Professor Ratnakar Shetty, BCCI CEO, CAO , COO or whatever. The black tied-up hairy bundle crept gingerly but with menacing intent, splitting suddenly half-way like a giant anaconda letting out a sonorous yawn, revealing a pair of diabolical fangs which headed straight for the shocked, bulging eyeballs of the congenial Professor. Shetty woke up in a cold sweat, his heart palpitating at such rapid rate it would have given Madhuri Dixit's chest heaving dhak- dhak some serious competition. As Shetty bolted with remarkable speed down the hotel hallway he ran straight into the open arms of Niranjan Shah , another BCCI hot-shot who was screaming wildly , himself distraught by a similar nightmare . At the time of writing, it seems the BCCI is calling for an Extraordinary General Meeting ( EGM) to assess the grievous threat being posed to Indian cricket by SRKs ponytail.

SRKs ponytail, which has an air of charming insouciance and an arrogant aloofness to it has begun to give deathly nightmares to the BCCI mandarins. For one, ever since SRK has been perceived as a lucky mascot for the Indian team, the BCCI is feeling terribly violated. Shetty & co believe that the Indian team 's recent victories cannot be entirely attributed to the long tresses of SRK neatly tucked in a Victorian hair-do. " After all, the BCCI also has a role to play", say inside sources. "At least, we deserve some credit". Says a disgruntled office bearer. "The only lapses that we have made is not selected a coach, interfered frequently with selection, been high-handed, sacked Rahul Dravid and lacked transparency. Otherwise, the BCCI has done a commendable job", he rounds off with a grumpy countenance reminiscent of Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

BCCI President Sharad Pawar, the master negotiator, has apparently indicated that if SRK were to cut the length of his pony-tail by one foot, it would be ratified by the BCCI executive committee as within passable limits. He will then have no moral obligation for Shetty's recurrent nightmares. Also, SRK will have to do a revenue share on brand endorsement deals by wearing appropriate sports jersey with BCCI logo. 2% of revenues generated from the clothing line of SRK will be added to the players pool, with the balance being spent on boarding and lodging of BCCI office bearers, sports agents and state associations. .

The BCCI has also hired a private investigative agency to look into the internal affairs of the players, since the Manager's Report after the disastrous rout in the Jaipur ODI has purportedly stated under the column, Cause of Defeat--------Deepika Padukone. Shetty, it seems , surreptitiously whispered into Pawar's ears that this could be a pernicious plot of the All India Badminton Association , of which Deepika's father , the humble gentleman Prakash Padukone is a crucial official . The " shuttle-cock conspiracy" has created ripples within the BCCI camp, as they believe that the "BADminton blokes" are threatening to topple cricket by creating further feuds within the usually warring clan. . .

Sachin Tendulkar's security has been increased under perceived threat from some of his dashing young colleagues ever since Ms Padukone stated that "Sacho is her favorite player". Tendulkar's nervousness can be gauged by the fact that he has asked BCCI for a professional food-taster to screen his mighty meals as he suspects his chicken steaks may be secretly poisoned. Despite such catastrophic distractions, the BCCI is gung-ho about "team spirit". MS Dhoni, it seems has secretly confessed to SRK that Yuvraj Singh had tried to get him run out unsuccessfully on several occasions.

The media has expectedly gone on an adrenalin-pumping high, indulging salacious gossip mongers with delicious delight. There is raging speculation that the real reason why portly and paunchy Romesh Powar was dropped was because his skipper was terribly miffed when he heard that Powar, who had obtained complimentary tickets for veteran actor Manoj Kumar had actually transported the same to Ms Padukone instead. At last count, even sweet ole Lalchand Rajput had asked for VIP tickets for two unmentioned high-profile guests. Last heard, Rajput has been demoted to coach the U-19 team.

It seems that Dilip Vengsarkar has the full blown inside story on the "ponytail scam" that his hit Indian cricket like a thundering typhoon, which is why the desperate gag measures on the Chief Selector. The Colonel, whose writing skills far overshadow his stuttering articulation, has been advised to write a Blog under the pseudonym, SARKAR VENTS, so that it is cryptic and BCCI will find it difficult to guess the original source of the content.

Also it seems that Vengsarkar maybe allowed to write his columns, provided he agrees to Lalit Modi's revenue share agreement whereby 91.27% of sponsorship from the article is given to the BCCI, post-tax.

Seeing SRKs dwindling popularity with the BCCI bosses, Sanjay Leela Bhansali has moved with his trademark dramatic flourish. He has invited the entire Indian team for a free showing of Saawariya.

And therein lies a tale. Sorry, a ponytail.